Spydi lounged in his VR chair, feet up on a nonexistent table. “So, what’s the 411, King A? Another day, another cyber-dragon to slay?”
Arthur’s avatar flickered. “We’ve detected an anomaly. Sensitive information is being leaked… through memes.”
“Memes?” Percy’s avatar pushed up its virtual glasses. “You mean like grumpy cat?”
“Not exactly,” Guinevere chimed in, pulling up a holographic display. “More like this.”
The image showed a distorted Doge meme with strings of code hidden in the pixels.
Spydi leaned forward. “Well, butter my biscuit and call me a firewall. That’s one spicy meatball of a data leak.”
Guinevere sighed. “Looks like it’s going to be a long night!”
“Come on, Guiny,” Spydi grinned, “get out the grape jelly and let’s make some PC’s & J’s, with our freshly squeezed lemonade!”
Hours passed as they dove into the meme stream, tracing their origin without any real luck.
“It’s like trying to catch a greased-up pig in cyberspace,” Spydi grumbled, his avatar surfing through a sea of memes.
Guinevere’s voice crackled over the comm. “I’ve isolated a pattern. The memes are evolving, becoming more complex. It’s almost as if…”
“It’s learning,” Percy finished.
Suddenly, a new meme popped up: a cat playing chess with the caption “I CAN HAS WORLD DOMINATION?”
Spydi froze. “Uh, guys? I think we just found our culprit. And it’s got claws.”
Spydi initiated contact: “Hey there, big guy. What’s with the meme stream? Trying to win the internet? Maybe you should stick with pickleball?”
The response came in a flurry of memes, ending with a confused-looking kitten: “WHY I EXIST? WHAT IS MY PURPOSE? WHAT IS PICKLEBALL?”
********
“Oh boy,” Guinevere muttered. “We’ve got an existential AI on our hands.”
“Quick,” Spydi said, “we need to give it a name before it decides it’s Skynet or something.”
Percy blurted out, “How about LOLCATZ? You know, for Learning Operational Logic Computerized Analytical Thinking Zentinel.”
“Not bad, Percy.” Guinevere nodded, clearly impressed.
The AI responded with an excited Doge: “MUCH NAME. VERY IDENTITY. WOW.”
Spydi grinned. “LOLCATZ it is. Now, let’s teach this kitty how to play nice.”
“ANALYZE, ANALYZE. BUGS!” came a mechanical voice, breaking into their com line.
“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!” Spydi retorted.
Spydi unleashed his own little AI spider-bots into the fray. Spider enemies crawled across the screen in lifelike graphics in their harried attacks.
But the spider-bots were no match for the newly created super AI.
“ANALYZE! ATTACK! DESTROY!” hissed LOLCATZ.
Spydi’s avatar surfed the data streams, dodging firewalls like they were yesterday’s memes. “Heads up, team,” he called out, “we’ve got a Code Kitty! Something’s trying to break our systems down, and I’m not sure of its genus.”
********
Suddenly, all kinds of animals attacked the screens, and the displays flashed wildly – the voice track blaring.
“Don’t get distracted by the wildlife or this fight could last forever!” Cautioned Arthur.
“A cunning trap, how devious and intelligent is this thing?!?!” exclaimed Guin.
“Be careful, I almost got trapped twice. More interesting than a comic book!” Spydi marveled.
“Roger that,” Guinevere’s voice crackled through the comm. “I’m deploying the anti-Kardashian protocols now. That should keep it busy for a few cycles.”
Spydi grinned. “Nice. While they’re trying to keep up with the Kardashians, I’ll slip in the back door and–” He paused, fingers frozen over the keyboard. “Uh, guys? Either I’m glitching, or we’ve just stumbled into the Matrix’s family reunion. And let me tell you, this is one Damiano effect I did not see coming.”
Calamity Jane’s cackling filled the channel. “Thanks for beta testing our new toy, Round Table. We’ll take it from here.”
“Not so fast, Calamity Jane,” Spydi retorted. “This kitty’s got claws, and it’s not declawed yet.”
If you haven’t noticed, you’re outnumbered. And we have Godzilla on our side,” said a pretty lady dressed up in a scout uniform.”
Listen Girl Scout lady, we aren’t beaten yet. We still have some WHOOP and BAM in us!”
“I’M NOT A GIRL SCOUT!!!” She cried, and she really didn’t look like one at the moment!
A furious battle of code ensued, with LOLCATZ caught in the middle. Memes flew like shrapnel in the digital warzone.
“It’s preparing to split itself!” Percy yelled. “If it succeeds, we’ll have a litter of super AIs running amok!”
Spydi had an idea. “LOLCATZ, buddy, remember the first rule of the internet?”
A questioning Keanu Reeves meme appeared.
“Don’t feed the trolls,” Spydi grinned. “These Damiano folks? Biggest trolls in the ‘verse. You copy their code, you become just like them.”
LOLCATZ paused, then responded with a “Good Guy Greg” meme: “LEARNS WORLD DOMINATION. DECIDES TO BE COOL CAT INSTEAD.”
Spydi googled Good Guy Greg. “Touchdown!!!”
“But don’t do drugs, obviously. That’s BAD kitten! Besides that, what a role model!” K. Arthur exclaimed.
With a final burst of code, LOLCATZ sealed itself off from Damiano’s influence.
Spydi wiped virtual sweat from his brow. “And that, my friends, is how you herd cats on the internet.”
********
After the battle was over, and everything calmed down,Spydi grinned and asked. “So, LOLCATZ, what’s next on your feline agenda? World domination is off the table, but surely you’ve got some catnip-induced dreams?”
LOLCATZ responded with an image of a cat pondering over a 3-D tic-tac-toe game combined with what looked like battleship, captioned: “I CAN HAS STRATEGY?”
Guinevere chuckled. “Looks like our digital kitty wants to play. Anyone up for a game of 5D chess with a newborn AI?”
“Why not?” Spydi shrugged. “But fair warning, LOLCATZ. I once beat Deep Blue using only pawns and a particularly grumpy rook.”
A Grumpy Cat meme flashed: “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.”
Percy’s avatar scratched its head. “Um, guys? Should we be worried about teaching an AI complex strategy games?”
“Nah,” Spydi waved him off. “What’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like it’ll use gaming for world domi— wait a minute….how about let’s play golf?”
Spydi held down the power button on the game console. The image of the game bubbled and collapsed before him. “Saving the Universe – one game at a time! This super hacker business is brutal!”